Valley of the Unknown

My mom always says to watch what I say on the internet and I don't know if this counts, but here it goes. This is supposed to be a blog that I can let my creativity and thoughts roam free. I'm supposed to be positive as much as I can, but today is a day that I feel I need to let my vulnerable side show. I'm going to be as transparent as I can.

I hate talking about anxiety and feeling unhappy.

I know that talking about things can help us understand how to cope with it and get frustrations and thoughts out rather than keeping them to myself, I just never know where to start. So many things have happened in my life that I don't want to relive; there's so many things that I don't want to think about anymore.

For example, I was abused by my father. Twenty years later I still feel rejected by him and his side of the family. I never felt like any of what happened was my fault, I just never felt wanted or loved by him or them.

I never felt like I could fit in anywhere. Was always told I was weird and never really felt like I could be heard by anyone around me. I would try to tell someone about good things and things I was interested in, but no one would be paying attention, they'd either be talking to other people or distracted by something or just not listening in general. I've been pushed to the side by people that I thought cared about me. I feel like an outcast even by the people that do care about me.

I feel like I'm being therapy-d through life when dealing with my mom because instead of just holding me and telling me everything will be okay like any other mom would, she uses clinical terms and tells me to look at things differently. 

I've been lied to. I've been told anything I do for people isn't enough and that my opinions don't matter. I've worked so hard for new job opportunities, changed my resume and cover letter a thousand times, and took plenty of interviews just to be told "we've decided to go a different way" by all of the jobs that I've applied for within the last 8 months.

I can only go through so many things and things have gone wrong so many times in one lifetime before I feel like I want to give up on everything. I can only collect so many healing crystals and my tarot cards read so many times before I want to throw everything away. I can only take so much stress and lose so many relationships before I feel like I want to completely lose my mind, right?

I didn't really know what to do for a long time. I still kind of don't. I'm ready to have a break through and I know it will happen and I know I deserve to be content, but that element of "not knowing" what and when things will happen makes me feel anxious. I know I have to be positive about life and keep focusing on attracting positive energy, but how much longer does a person wait for good things to happen for them when they've been going through negativity for so long?

Until I can figure all of this out, I just have to be more patient and see what the universe has for me.

Lonnie Pauls