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Loving Someone is the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done. (Part 1)

Loving someone is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Seriously. It is.

I fell in love with a man that I was friends with for almost 5 years before we started dating. I gave my whole heart, my time, my body, my attention, and my resources to him; then all of those things became sour. All of the time and love and attention and energy I put into our relationship was given to someone else. Yeah, it was a weird situation and it was a situation that I thought I could have avoided, but I simply wasn't enough for him. Then a couple months down the line, we talk again and we try to see if we can make things right. A week after the, things get sour again. Unfortunately, miscommunication comes with a Mercury Retrograde. AS much pain as he's caused me, I still love him. It fucking sucks, but damnit, I do.

As much as I give of myself to other people, it's rare that I ever get the same energy in return, and because I love them, I still keep trying to be everything I need to be for them, but it's still not enough.  I don't think I'll die alone, nor do I think I deserved all of this, but I can't help but wonder when things will change for me, when love will actually work for me.

I love, forgive, trust, and give my heart away very easily and quickly because I'm a lover. I always have been. I never want there to be drama or times that we can't talk about things, or feel like we have to hide things from each other, because relationships, regardless of whether they're romantic or not, require vulnerability, communication, and clarity. This whole experience with my love life in the past 8 months and even in the past year and a half, however, has been trying and I can't help but go back to those feelings of not feeling good enough for people to actually love me for me, for a long time, and not just for a moment. I can't help but want to just shut my emotions off and not give a fuck about what people do anymore. I can't help but want to just cut people off, but those are the hardest things a girl with the biggest heart can ever do.

I know some people will say, "well you have to love yourself before you can truly love another person", but I do. Although I am nowhere near perfect, nor do I expect anyone else to be, I've learned over the last year or so to be confident in my body, my mind, my spirit, and my potential to be great. I learned that I can grow both alone and with someone else along side me. I learned that I am worthy of love. I learned that I deserve more that just a moment. I also learned that it is possible to love yourself and still feel like you haven't done enough to love someone else.

Maybe this is just a growing pain, or maybe people just can't handle the amount of love I give them, or maybe people just don't want me. Whatever it is, I just hope this pain won't last forever.

Lonnie Pauls